The Captain's (B)log

8 Worst Getaway Vehicles Ever


More than sex, having a monkey or the ultimate bachelor pad… every guy wants to be a part of a heist. Some girls too I’m sure but I can guarantee that any fellow bromaster with a pair of wavos has at one time fantasized about playing an integral role in a classic bank robbery. But no one really thinks past that. Sure, pulling a B&E (breaking and entering) is easy but… how ya gonna get away? Honestly your guess is as good as mine but in lieu of an answer I’ve compiled a list of some not-so-great ways to extricate yourself from a similar situation.

1. Pogo Stick

Interesting. Pneumatic pogo stick/jack hammer concept design... you decide. Any potential as a getaway module?

2. Wheelchair

Redneck: disability equipped hunting device.

The Genghis Khan of all wheelchairs. Not sure if I should sit in it or mount it and mob to safety.

3. Stilts

This could be an awkward situation during a bank robbery. Take some notes from the cocky dude in the photo below bro.

Clearly a multi-purpose tool.

4. Unicycle

Creative.... "Your ultimate getaway vehicle! Get two people incarcerated for the price of one! No assembly required, two person vehicle, 5-10 years (minimum prison time)."

I'd like to draw your attention away from the picture above... now back to it... now back down here... Maybe a little noticeable in public but the cool factor far outweighs the disadvantage. OWNED!

5. Grocery Cart

Not a whole lot to work with here.

Now THIS has potential!

6. Hot air baloon

On the plus side: you're balloon would be equipped with a surefire counterattack for the lactose intolerant.

Lightspeed!

7. Hummer Stretch Limo

Officers in Topeka, Kansas had a relatively easy time closing the case of the Kwik Shop robbery by a man wielding a knife who was later identified as Erick D. Henson, 24. Why? Because a getaway car wasn't classy enough for Henson, he used a limo. And not just any limo - a white, stretch Humvee limo. Unemployed at the time of arrest, Henson was found drunk in the back of the limo by officers who located the limo about two miles from the Kwik Shop. But the questions only build with no apparent answer yet: where was Henson planning to go that night that he needed a stretch limo? Did he blow all his money on renting the limo and was trying to steal his driver's tip? And how exactly do you tactfully say to your driver, "Excuse me my good man, but would you be so kind as to pull over at Chez Kwik Shop while I rob them with my knife?"

8. Rickshaw

Ah... Vader. We meet again. Anyone ever robs a bank in a Vader costume and escapes in a rickshaw I will give you $500 cash. That's a promise (not an enticement to break the law... but to each his own).

For corporate thieves and criminals of an Asian descent that prefer to patronize more luxurious modes of getaway transportation.

Various other options in the deleted scenes of this post include (but are not limited to): Three legged racing, Bull riding, Horses, Stealing a moped, Circus elephants, Via email, Teleportation, Electric shopping cart, Kid size shopping cart, String of shopping carts, Ostrich, Sailing a Chinese Junk boat, Bamboo Train (google it!), Camelback, the Zorb if you’re in New Zealand of course (google it), and last but not least…. by Dog Sled. Tell me if this was something you could relate to. Peace!

Captain Obvious

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7 thoughts on “8 Worst Getaway Vehicles Ever

  1. I agree! A cab would be better! Hahaha!

  2. What about by parade car? It’s subtle.

  3. Insomnium on said:

    Great post, I enjoyed it. There is just one small mistake: On the Darth Vader Baloon it’s not Germany’s but Belgium’s flag.
    Otherwise, well done. The “Genghis Khan of all wheelchairs” is just awesome!

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