Archive for the month “May, 2012”

An Episode of the Bizarre


This story can be found many places on the web but I thought I’d share it with you all as one of the weirdest things I’ve heard in my life and something I thought you’d appreciate. Make sure you read the whole thing. This is movie material, you can’t make this up.

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.
“On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten- story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.” >>”Ordinarily,” Dr. Mills continued, “a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands. “The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the a window striking Opus.

“When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her – therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

“The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple’s son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son’s financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

There was an exquisite twist. “Further investigation revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother’s murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

“The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.”

Make The Little Things Count. Teach Midgets Math.


Based On A True Story…

I recently returned from a 5 month stint in sunny Phoenix, Arizona to my small hometown in the panoramic mountains of north-eastern Washington. A few days before I left I visited the King Fish restaurant in downtown Tempe for a business meeting and there the plot proceeded to thicken. What does the valley of the sun, sea food or alpine scenery have to do with the title of this post? Humor me and hopefully I can humor you with that revelation.

As I opened the door for my business associate to enter the restaurant, out came the tiniest person I’d ever seen! The grey hair, wrinkles and cane stood (maybe) 3 foot tall on a good day. Defying the laws of physics, she peered over her oversized sunglasses up at my 6 foot 4 inch frame with a snide “Humph” and then proceeded to make her way out to the parking lot and what I can only assume must have been a step-ladder and one of those overpriced novelty baby strollers they call a ‘smart car’.

I thought nothing of the midget sighting till I spotted a similarly sized fellow at the Phoenix airport… and another gnome like individual in Spokane when I arrived home! Ever since that fateful day in the grand canyon state the sightings have increased exponentially; at the grocery store, at the gas station, in the children’s clothing section. At first it was singly, then in pairs, threesomes and recently congregating in both dark and light alleys while brandishing potato-peelers and burning XL clothing. Sensing a disturbance in the force, I have taken it upon myself to research and encapsulate the scope of what we are about to face.

Midgets get shot out of cannons and ride rockets every day ( check out www.hireamidget.com if you’re interested). From midget car racing to midget wrestling and boxing to online midget tossing, TLC’s bad habit of making shows about them and the popular belief in their possession of magical powers in cyberspace, it’s time someone stuck up for the little guy. If I could refrain from a look of amused fascination every time I laid eyes on one then perhaps I would be that guy, but I’m not! Who doesn’t like watching little people battle? Those T-rex arms look cute until you see them kick ass and simultaneously instill within you a fear of small children and/or midgets. It’s like watching 1st graders fight if 1st graders knew Kung Fu.

What if the little people have finally had enough of being thirsty near water fountains, using nerd candies as jawbreakers and society as a whole looking down on them? The list of reasons for a global David vs. Goliath like confrontation is endless. I have it on good authority that from 1691 to 1695, midgets were legal tender in Austria. Even crowded elevators must smell differently to a midget. What if there is an organized effort for worldwide pigmy domination? What if height(or lack thereof)-ism is the new racism? This point of contention may dwarf in comparison but wars have been started over smaller things (all kinds of pun intended but for example, a postage stamp started the Chaco War). Yes, I’m talking about combat! Skirmishes! Onslaughts! And in some rare cases… even death.

I remained in denial right up until I heard about the psychic midget who escaped from jail, saw the headlines “SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE” and realized this mystical little fellow must be their leader. Slowly but surely I have connected the dots. In short, I’m all for more education, awareness and peaceful resolution on the subject. In closing, watch your knee caps, keep your friends close and make the little things count. Teach midgets math.

Cinco De Mayo… My Birthday… Eh… I’m Gonna Write About This.


I’ve described a lot of things recently and I intend to in the future but here I pause to insert a quick not from the author, Captain Obvious. It also Cinco De Mayo today… oh and my birthday! Today I turned 20 years old but instead of dwelling on graduation from the teenage world I have decided to do a couple posts on various historical artifacts, trends etc that I will campaign to re-integrate into society as we know it. I am working as a Business Development Executive and with a background and current career in sales and as such have chosen to use some creative license and broaden my horizons.

The first object to be discussed in this series could have been many things but was narrowed down through a calculated process of cross strategies and semi circle brain patterns. Of course it couldn’t be anything from the Middle East… too hot of a topic and I don’t want to bring that controversy into my posts unnecessarily or mention it without any cause whatsoever. And then I turned around and thought well we have to rule out everything else too because the only object that immediately came to mind was the Top Hat. Yes that very same Top Hat of American Civil-War era fame… so why not mount a full-scale campaign to re-introduce it to modern civilization?

(Dim the lights and here we go…)

For one thing, what other scalp ornament can claim to make rabbits appear at the drop of a hat? Magicians have been doing it for years. Abraham Lincoln doesn’t look nearly as authentic without this apparatus of gargantuan proportions adorning his head, and I say ‘apparatus’ because that’s exactly what it was. Besides its apparent transformational qualities of making its wearer appear exponentially more distinguished and ‘dapper’, as it were, there was a purpose behind the Top Hat the very embodiment of citizenship and versatility. John Batterson Stetson, the inventor of the Top Hat was a man of vision. If only he had lived to see this post and the global potential of his simple brainchild.

What we may look at and think of as abnormally large and useless is in fact a product of creative genius. Mr. Stetson allowed for an air chamber above the head to help keep it cool, and constructed the hat in such a way that it could be used to haul water and fan fires. Imagine having not only a Crime Watch zone in your neighborhood but a Top Hat zone where you knew that your home was protected in the event of a possible fire by the fashion conscious choice of your community conscious neighbors to sport the snazzy Top Hat. It’s the future ladies and gentlemen.

I predict (and you can quote me on this) that the next big fad after “going green” and global warming will be the Top Hat. Those not wearing them will be thought of as the carbon footprints of their era by choosing not to protect their fellow-man and pack even a travel size Top Hat in the event of a nearby structure fire. Recent studies and surveys and questions asked to close friends of Al Gore have shown that this issue will be on the docket at the International Peace & General Welfare convention. Be prepared. Do your part. Carry a Top Hat.

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