The Captain's (B)log

Top Hats Need To Make A Comeback


I’ve described a lot of things recently and I intend to in the future but here I pause to insert a quick not from the author, Captain Obvious. It also Cinco De Mayo today… oh and my birthday! Today I turned 20 years old but instead of dwelling on graduation from the teenage world I have decided to do a couple posts on various historical artifacts, trends etc that I will campaign to re-integrate into society as we know it. I am working as a Business Development Executive and with a background and current career in sales and as such have chosen to use some creative license and broaden my horizons.

The first object to be discussed in this series could have been many things but was narrowed down through a calculated process of cross strategies and semi circle brain patterns. Of course it couldn’t be anything from the Middle East… too hot of a topic and I don’t want to bring that controversy into my posts unnecessarily or mention it without any cause whatsoever. And then I turned around and thought well we have to rule out everything else too because the only object that immediately came to mind was the Top Hat. Yes that very same Top Hat of American Civil-War era fame… so why not mount a full-scale campaign to re-introduce it to modern civilization?

(Dim the lights and here we go…)

“Top coat, top hat,
I don’t worry cause my wallets fat.
Black shades, white gloves,
looking sharp and looking for love.”

For one thing, what other scalp ornament can claim to make rabbits appear at the drop of a hat? Magicians have been doing it for years. Abraham Lincoln doesn’t look nearly as authentic without this apparatus of gargantuan proportions adorning his head, and I say ‘apparatus’ because that’s exactly what it was. Besides its apparent transformational qualities of making its wearer appear exponentially more distinguished and ‘dapper’, as it were, there was a purpose behind the Top Hat the very embodiment of citizenship and versatility. John Batterson Stetson, the inventor of the Top Hat was a man of vision. If only he had lived to see this post and the global potential of his simple brainchild.

What we may look at and think of as abnormally large and useless is in fact a product of creative genius. Mr. Stetson allowed for an air chamber above the head to help keep it cool, and constructed the hat in such a way that it could be used to haul water and fan fires. Imagine having not only a Crime Watch zone in your neighborhood but a Top Hat zone where you knew that your home was protected in the event of a possible fire by the fashion conscious choice of your community conscious neighbors to sport the snazzy Top Hat. It’s the future ladies and gentlemen.

I predict (and you can quote me on this) that the next big fad after “going green” and global warming will be the Top Hat. Those not wearing them will be thought of as the carbon footprints of their era by choosing not to protect their fellow-man and pack even a travel size Top Hat in the event of a nearby structure fire. Recent studies and surveys and questions asked to close friends of Al Gore have shown that this issue will be on the docket at the International Peace & General Welfare convention. Be prepared. Do your part. Carry a Top Hat.

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11 thoughts on “Top Hats Need To Make A Comeback

  1. marblemom on said:

    What can I say? This post “tops” ‘em all. :)

  2. Top Hats alive and well in NYC – at least at The Easter Parade on Fifth Avenue. Here’s a pic of a friend of mine who walked this year.
    Just wondering why the Y in Cinco? https://fbcdn-profile-a.akamaihd.net/hprofile-ak-ash2/573966_680116786_1032095559_n.jpg
    Thought I could copy and paste photo, NOT, here’s the link to the pic.

    • Lol nice catch! Embarrassing but I suppose I’m not mexican that’s why. And haha that’s awesome! How did you stumble across this topic oh top hat connoisseur?

      • I subscribed to your blog a while ago. I get an email when you post. This friend and whole gang of others all dressed up in vintage elegant attire this past Easter. Probably a lot of pics on his FB page.

        • Haha right on! Sounds like an effective representation of sophistication. Any secific reason why Easter? On a different note I’m thinkin turbans for St. Parick’s Day. Yes? :D

          • Ah youth! Dear Captain Obvious perhaps you’ve never watched The Easter Parade movie from 1948 with Judy Garland and Fred Astaire. or maybe you’ve never heard the song “…in my Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it…”???
            The annual tradition of putting on your Easter finery and parading (walking) along Fifth Avenue in NYC goes back to the mid-1800’s.
            “In New York City, the Easter Parade tradition dates back to the mid-1800s, when the upper crust of society would attend Easter services at various Fifth Avenue churches then stroll outside afterward, showing off their new spring outfits and hats. Average citizens started showing up along Fifth Avenue to check out the action. The tradition reached its peak by the mid-20th century, and in 1948, the popular film Easter Parade was released, starring Fred Astaire and Judy Garland and featuring the music of Irving Berlin. The title song includes the lyrics: “In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it/You’ll be the grandest lady in the Easter parade.”

            The Easter Parade tradition lives on in Manhattan, with Fifth Avenue from 49th Street to 57th Street being shut down during the day to traffic. Participants often sport elaborately decorated bonnets and hats. The event has no religious significance, but sources note that Easter processions have been a part of Christianity since its earliest days. Today, other cities across America also have their own parades.” from Wikipedia
            As for St. Patrick’s Day, well you could still use the Top Hat with perhaps a sprig of clover tucked in the band. lol.

            • Perhaps I have not! I will have to add that to The Bucket List. It does sound familiar though… I may have seen it as a kid and I KNOW I’ve heard that song before. Now that I am aware of that tradition I should add that to the List as well. It’s a shame I wasn’t privy to that info sooner. Definitely would have contributed to the historical clout of this post. Thank you for making it an addendum nonetheless!

  3. Happy Belated Birthday man! :D So sorry but my wordpress was having issues.
    As for the top hat, one day I’m going to travel over there and when I do I’ll be sure to bring my hat. ;)

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