Archive for the tag “Love”

09 Dec 2011
5 Comments

The First Things I Notice About A Girl


I’ve had many of my close (and some not so close) female friends ask me this question and I’ve decided its high time I answered it in written form. “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The truth hurts sometimes but if you’re wider than you are tall, have a mole the size of your nose on your face or a voice as deep as Josh Turner… I won’t really look twice. But! If I was to compile a 100% honest list of what I notice first in a girl who catches my eye it would be this.

1. Eyes. Now I’m not saying this to be romantic or cliché and I have no preferred eye color but what I do look for is that sparkle that tells me you’re alive. That you’re going somewhere with your life that’s fun and that I might want to go to with you. The eyes can experience a connection unique to any other. They are ‘the window to the soul’.

2. Personality and smarts. Fun, intelligent, creative, girly with a deep and slightly romantic side :) That’s my personal preference. Someone unique and insightful… something that intrigues me to want to discover their world and become a part of it. I could call you every name in the book and, if I haven’t pulled out the word ‘boring’ yet, you haven’t hit rock bottom. Guys want a girl that will bring something they don’t have into their life.

3. Face/Body. Like I said I’m being 100% honest. I know people have problems and issues and blah dee blah dee blah but I’m talking about what attracts me to a female as a guy. A cute face (in a foxy, coy way) is quite attractive. Being pretty, skinny, taking care of yourself, having the ability to move (athletic-ish), and of course the eyes always gravitate toward the lovely curvatures of the female body… None of these hurt… at all.

4. Smile/Laugh. I separate this from the facial category because when a beautiful girl smiles it’s like… you just discovered a new color previously unknown to mankind. And when she smiles at you it’s like you invented that color. The reason this is so far down on the list is due to the fact that you may or may not see this wonderful feature when interacting with the girl for the first time (if you guys out there have any game at all you will make it a point to make her laugh). A genuine laugh is priceless in this day and age.

5. Voice. She has to be well spoken and put effort into her vocabulary (or at least flatter me by trying to learn :P ). No whining or annoying voices allowed, without exception. This can also be a great showcase for your personality and smarts (or lack thereof).

6. Hair. I like my women tall and blonde in most cases but that’s personal preference and subject to change. Not exclusive either (I make exceptions ;) ) Again, you have to take care of yourself . The psychology behind how a girl styles her hair for better or worse is a huge indicator of her take on life (and whether the guy likes it or not is a compatibility factor for sure). I think long hair is more feminine and that’s my preference.

7. Similar Tastes. The reason this is last (but definitely not least) is that the information is usually acquired last. After the first 6. I’ll have looked into your eyes, gotten a general feel for your personality and intelligence, seen your face and body, we better have made you smile and laugh and heard your voice and seen your hair. From there? If the first 6 pass the test then it’s up to see where you’re headed and if it’s in the same direction as me.

I may edit and update this post as I remember and revise various stances toward a woman’s features but as of now this is my best synopsis. Enjoy ladies and gentlemen alike! Tell me your opinions, however different or similar they may be. I hope this helps any girls still in a quandary about what a guy is looking for. Coming up: Things Us Guys Don’t Give a Damn About In A Girl  ;) Until then, au revoir.

Posted in Humor, Inspirational, Life, Love and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
07 Dec 2011
3 Comments

R.I.P. Mr. Playa


 In the spirit of the Christmas season… what’s the difference between Santa and Chuck Norris? Mr. Claus only has 3 ho’s  ;)

I’ve been characterized as quite the player of late. Due to my natural charm, dashing good looks and ever-present sense of humor… the females came pretty easy this year. By the way, if you don’t know what a player is, it is one who has the elusive ‘game’ factor or one who has game. Allow me to define it in this blow-by-blow from the show How I Met Your Mother.

Barney Stinson: Oh, Theodore. You can’t spell ‘game’ without ‘me’, and ‘me’ has the best game.
Ted Mosby: Oh, yeah? Well, I have so much game, I’m a Cornish game hen.
Barney Stinson: Well, I have so much game, I’m the New York gaming commissioner.
Ted Mosby: I have so much game, I’m The Game, well-constructed thriller starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn.

Typical players. I can relate. They like attention but some of them can be good guys at heart too… and that’s what I always shoot for. Well to get to the point of my story… I met a girl I really like and have had to cease and desist from my untamed gallivanting. Alas… it will be missed but it’s for a good cause. She’s just an undeniably gorgeous person inside and out and I’m looking to see where this leads. Who knows? Within a month I may be back into the single scene, breaking hearts and going crazy as usual or I might be settled down a bit and doing something productive with my life. Oh and did i mention she’s a good influence on me?

In conclusion: Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky and once kicked a horse in the chin. It’s descendants today are known as giraffes. And now time for a random episode of… what’s wrong with this picture?

Posted in Behavorial Observations, Comedy, Holidays, Humor, Inspirational, Life, Love and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
16 Nov 2011
7 Comments

A Short Story


Bob and Olga had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. He was as tall as a 6 foot 3 inch tree and lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. She had eyes like two brown circles with big black dots in the center and a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. They were perfect for each other.

It was the 13th of July, Barbershop Music Appreciation Day and Embrace Your Geekness Day (look it up). The stage was set for an epic romance.

Bob looked up from his lonely bench and saw Olga riding her Segway through the park. She caught his eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. Suddenly, shot’s rang out (as shots are wont to do) and our beloved Bob looked down to find a red spot spreading from his funny bone. He had been shot in the elbow… and it hurt. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. His eyes stayed open just long enough to see the girl on the Segway turn back to investigate the sounds. Thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. Then all went black.

Olga leaned over Bob… “Sir! Sir! Wake up!” in an attractively thick accent.

The sky had gone dark. The hailstones leaped from the pavement like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. Bob’s eyes flickered open to see her hair glistening in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. He smiled and she smiled back. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. When he spoke… she read his lips. Because she was deaf. She helped him up and got him to a hospital. They searched far and wide for the mysterious gunman that had brought them together but to no avail. Bob learned sign language, Olga became a ballerina and they lived happily ever after in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

THE END

Posted in Behavorial Observations, Comedy, Holidays, Humor, Inspirational, Life, Love, Poetry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
31 Mar 2011
30 Comments

How To Win Friends & Influence People: Bring Gum.


Gotta get all seven food groups...

Don’t you wish it was that simple? Well it is! … Mostly. There are some small (and by this I mean infinitesimally minute) guidelines that need to be followed when choosing and bringing gum to a social gathering.  I am a gum addict but you should definitely keep reading whether you partake of the sugary goodness on a regular basis or not. It goes without saying that there is an etiquette to discarding, offering, chewing and swallowing gum.Yes, I said swallowing.

Rule Number One: Don’t swallow it. I trusted my parents when they said it would either stay in my stomach for 13 years or give me gumorrhea ( a terrifyingly big word at the time). I recently spoke with a friend who can’t break the habit of swallowing gum at the young age of 22 years old. You don’t want to be that guy. It’s just not cool, not to mention that, due to its startling resilience when it comes to stomach acid, it limits space for food and that to me is far more tragic than being un-cool.

Rule Number Two: Don’t chew or spit like a llama (cow is fine but llama’s just take things to a whole new level of grossness). This applies to those of you who partake in the nasty habit of chewing tobacco as well. Also, don’t blow bubbles that pop back on your face. That was the cooler than double jointed thumbs back in the day but there’s a reason it’s back in the day.

Rule Number Three: We know the goal of this whole post is to win friends and influence people using our little sugary chewing devices but we don’t need to be asked if we want every 5 seconds. If you’re going to use gum to back up your social status, play hard to get. Make people CRAVE it subliminally. Tease them with a wrapper and a small (SMALL!) smacking of the lips here and there. Eventually they’ll come around, get the right idea and ask you for a piece.

Rule Number Four: I know it’s convenient to test the adhesive power of gum on the bottom of tables, arcade games and counter tops but in today’s fast paced world that is SO five minutes ago. And the whole throwing it over your shoulder with no thought to future consequences? Refer to the picture below. I rest my case.

Get it? It's a high heel... NOT! I'm ashamed to admit it took ME a few seconds.

Source

One thing to keep in mind is the kind of people you’re wanting to attract and what situation you’re going into. Like attracts like. Hence, you need to BE what you are trying to attract.

# 1- is for all you James Bond types out there. The cool cats. This paragraph is applicable at black tie affairs (AND for those who like to pretend their life is one loooooong black tie affair. Most of us know at least one person like this).You have two types of gum to choose from: peppermint or spearmint. Nothing else will do.You’re trying to give the impression you’re the classiest thing since the invention of un-boxed wine (if I find the exact dates on this invention I will source them immediately). This type of gum can also work for older ladies at bridge and book clubs. Don’t ask me where the connection between this and 007 is.

# 2- The Funster, the Ace Ventura types, the movers, the streakers, the shakers (yes I did just throw that in there). The people who think they’re the hottest thing since sliced bread, indoor plumbing and embedded video combined. You too have two options: bubble gum or chewing fruit flavored gum. With bubble gum you’re gonna come off as one of two things. A zany, adventurous adrenaline junky or an infantile, nerdy kid. It’s really up to the rest of how you present yourself as to what kind of people you will attract (or repel for that matter). Fruit flavored gum has much of the same pros and cons. As long as you don’t shove 10 pieces in your mouth to create an exploding jungle of colorful nirvana you should be in good shape (working out on a regular basis can help with this last part too).

# 3- The sporty yet thoughtful hero/heroine (and often host) of the social scene,  If this is what you’re going for I suggest you live in a mansion complete with pool and soda fountain.  If you happen lack the aforementioned items you will have to try to make the same impression with what you choose to put in your mouth. In this case, gum. This is a mix of the first two options. You will pick your own poison, maybe even take a little of both and use them as your mission requires. You are all things to all people and the scent of your breath must say the same thing.

It looks like that’s all we have time for today. I would like to apologize in advance for the cartoon at the end of this post. I couldn’t resist. It’s been a pleasure devastating some obvious with you. I do hope you found this mildly educational and will join me next time. I SHOULD TOTALLY START A RADIO TALK SHOW! But who listens to radio anymore… anyway getting back to the conclusion.

The End

Source

Posted in Behavorial Observations, Comedy, Food, Humor, Social Networking and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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