Based On A True Story…
I recently returned from a 5 month stint in sunny Phoenix, Arizona to my small hometown in the panoramic mountains of north-eastern Washington. A few days before I left I visited the King Fish restaurant in downtown Tempe for a business meeting and there the plot proceeded to thicken. What does the valley of the sun, sea food or alpine scenery have to do with the title of this post? Humor me and hopefully I can humor you with that revelation.
As I opened the door for my business associate to enter the restaurant, out came the tiniest person I’d ever seen! The grey hair, wrinkles and cane stood (maybe) 3 foot tall on a good day. Defying the laws of physics, she peered over her oversized sunglasses up at my 6 foot 4 inch frame with a snide “Humph” and then proceeded to make her way out to the parking lot and what I can only assume must have been a step-ladder and one of those overpriced novelty baby strollers they call a ‘smart car’.
I thought nothing of the midget sighting till I spotted a similarly sized fellow at the Phoenix airport… and another gnome like individual in Spokane when I arrived home! Ever since that fateful day in the grand canyon state the sightings have increased exponentially; at the grocery store, at the gas station, in the children’s clothing section. At first it was singly, then in pairs, threesomes and recently congregating in both dark and light alleys while brandishing potato-peelers and burning XL clothing. Sensing a disturbance in the force, I have taken it upon myself to research and encapsulate the scope of what we are about to face.
Midgets get shot out of cannons and ride rockets every day ( check out www.hireamidget.com if you’re interested). From midget car racing to midget wrestling and boxing to online midget tossing, TLC’s bad habit of making shows about them and the popular belief in their possession of magical powers in cyberspace, it’s time someone stuck up for the little guy. If I could refrain from a look of amused fascination every time I laid eyes on one then perhaps I would be that guy, but I’m not! Who doesn’t like watching little people battle? Those T-rex arms look cute until you see them kick ass and simultaneously instill within you a fear of small children and/or midgets. It’s like watching 1st graders fight if 1st graders knew Kung Fu.
What if the little people have finally had enough of being thirsty near water fountains, using nerd candies as jawbreakers and society as a whole looking down on them? The list of reasons for a global David vs. Goliath like confrontation is endless. I have it on good authority that from 1691 to 1695, midgets were legal tender in Austria. Even crowded elevators must smell differently to a midget. What if there is an organized effort for worldwide pigmy domination? What if height(or lack thereof)-ism is the new racism? This point of contention may dwarf in comparison but wars have been started over smaller things (all kinds of pun intended but for example, a postage stamp started the Chaco War). Yes, I’m talking about combat! Skirmishes! Onslaughts! And in some rare cases… even death.
I remained in denial right up until I heard about the psychic midget who escaped from jail, saw the headlines “SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE” and realized this mystical little fellow must be their leader. Slowly but surely I have connected the dots. In short, I’m all for more education, awareness and peaceful resolution on the subject. In closing, watch your knee caps, keep your friends close and make the little things count. Teach midgets math.